why is always a question in me

why does it seemed to be this way and not that way in my life?
no metter how much i tried to turn it around it still going the same direction...
why there is always you in me and not me in you?
am i just so terrible until the end results are like a disaster?
why are you just so relax and never shade any tears when it comes to a hard part?
or it is im just too sensitive...
i know i had a strong feeling for you and i am sure most of it is i love you....
but why do i feel you are not the same like you always were?
have you changed or you are hiding something away from me which you did not want me to know anything about "it"...
how can i solve all this WHY's....
it is just so hard...
although its a question and it seemed to be easy to answer but it is hard to know wether it is the right one or not.

gash!!!! Bad day

my day couldn't get any worst then today...
what is with the lecturers in my college...
they maybe have some problem or maybe they just wanted to release their anger man....
i can't just let it happen to me like what happened today....
OMG...just because i had became an MC doesn't mean that u can scold me what ever you like...
why..do you have any problem of me becoming an MC for the graduation day???
whats with you man...
i have given a green light to go and you still ask the same question over and over again....
"you are the MC for the graduating day???"
oh,WTF i just felt like giving you one big punch on the face man....
i got the paper and its being handed out to ME man....
i know you anti me but it doesn't mean that you can treat me like shit...
never mind now i know that need to wear so feminine look so im not that interested at all man you can have it back if you want to...
anti me,what ever you want just do it i don't give a shit anymore man...
im tired,i got my friend involve,im stressed out...
now what ever you ask me to do i'll just reject it...
i'm so sick and tired of this game i just want to get over it..
but it haunts me...
i feel the guilt for getting my friend involve in this stupid shit...
how wish i got the power to turn back time just to correct this case but now the guilt is so deep until it cannot heal anymore it will leave a scar and i don't think my friend will treat me like she use to anymore or maybe she'll not be my friend anymore or anything i ask from her she'll just turn a deaf ear..
i hate it when it comes to this situation where there is nothing for you to do but there is a big problem right infront of your eyes...
i burst in tears right infront of another lecturer which is so embaressing to me its like OMG..
and not only that even my seniors man...
oh....i can't take it anymore..
feel like just disapear from the world so that no one could get involve or hurt anymore who are near me or those who new me...
how wish im just no one...wait...i am a no one...probably...
oh well...its just me me..i can't change that fact but all i know what happens today will change everyone's point of view towards me and it will change my life don't know wether its in a bad way or a good way...
it will haunt me until i never see the same face again later on.

tensed!!!!!!!!!!

how wish i could just go back to the old times which there were not much stress like now a days...
its just better to have it like last time not many wars,not many democratic issues,not much stress...etc
now man...i'm suffering from a nervous break down thats i can say...
near to a suicide case...
*sigh* more n more assignments for each sem,more blames from parents although i did not do it,more scoldings from parents...etc
wait till 1 day i'l soon step out from my home and just run free...
i just cant take it anymore...
how wish i could just fight back but i couldn't cause i'm consider the weakest among all in my family...argh...its just not fair....
how wish the world could just turn around in the right way...
and thigs will change to a better way...

no body is listening

No one listens to what i said,it has never being heard or what so ever...
its like i'm no one in this world not even to my family...
my mom wont listen to my problems,she will just turn away when i try to express it all out but it fails to be heard...
my brother never respects me even though i'm the youngest well its juz between me and him thats all...
but still right,i need respect even though i'm the youngest i need respect...
but some how i'm no one to them...
my words shall never reach to their opened ears...
i'm used,beaten,blamed for no reason,scold without any explanation on why i've bein scolded and blured on what wrong i've done in my family well i won't even take it as my family but well i HAD a mom,dad, an older brother and me well thats called family right...{supposedly}
but now i'll take it as NOT a family cause it never will be any how...
its broken since when i was born...
my mom doesn't give me freedom, life,dignity, respect n fairness...
it must been very tough until now i just don't get it how i could survive until now...
wow, i'm a survivor but i was wrong apart of me has driven away...
i've never tasted the true freedom in my life...
well now im drinking alot...{alcahol}
it gives me pleasure,i enjoyed it...
well,maybe that was it to stand it...
its hard to be me...
the inner me has long gone and it shall not come back the way it was before,in me has died...
i've done alot of things but i wasn't appriciated especially from my mom and brother{well dad living seperately}....
when ever my brother did some lil patty chores my mom will praise him and give him a great comment like he's a king or a prince...
well i've done alot till i coulnd't list it all out...
well maybe my world and this whole entire world "I" "myself" doesn't exist anyway...
i'm no one,i'm useless,im just me,im a ghost,i shall be forgotten and never be remembered by anyone...
its just not fair even i've tried my best to do things even if it succeed well n done well,i'm no one....
i hate my life and this entire universe how wish i wasn't even born does not exist at all...HATE IT SO...........DAMN FREAKINGLY MUCH...................